


oh my love, my love

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Series: you're the closest thing to holy  that I've ever held in the palm of my hand [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: 1940s-2015, Bucky Barnes Returns, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Feels, Stucky - Freeform, steve likes to write poems in his spare time as well as sketch, stucky poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 11:00:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4874209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a collection of poetry written by Steven G. Rogers from 1939-2015 </p><p>Poetry is frosted fire<br/>[J. Patrick Lewis]</p>
            </blockquote>





	oh my love, my love

**A collection of poetry by Steven G. Rogers 1938-2015**

  _A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness._

[Robert Frost]

**January 1938**

we crack our chests open and pull out the swallowed ' _I came alive when you touched me'_ and the ' _it's not roses but you were always a wildflower_ '

place them in a crystal clear vase that keeps the dish soap company under the cabinet because, love, the world isn't ready for us yet

bruise our knuckles and skin our bones with each word that rolls off loose tongues

and I think I like the taste of blood when it's on your lips

 - _oh my love, my love_

 

**March 1938  
**

ice gathers under my fingernails and in between my ribcage and I tell you, baby I think my heart is made of snow

you cover me like ivy on the side of your mothers porch and tell me you always had a weakness for winter anyway

then you part your lips and I ignite from the inside out

_-I wanted you to set me ablaze_

 

**June 1938**

music is tucked under each delicate blue vein on the soft underbelly of your arm

you know, the spot where I trip and land on every time with my teeth and my tongue

I want to create a symphony with the sound of your breath in my ear

as I trace paths - leave notes and violin concertos on every inch of your skin

_-baby they're playing our song_

 

**August 1938**

I never learned how to dance until my clumsy hand slid against yours

and I saw fireworks in the dusty corner of our apartment

prayed that the neighbors wouldn't hear the thumping of my heart

or catch sparks of violet and lime green

electric blue when your hand settled on my lower back

and I'd step on your toes a million times over if it meant

we could have the fourth of july everyday

_-dance with me_

 

**October 1938  
**

I ripped the heart right out of my chest tonight

offered it up to you like last nights leftovers when we had mashed potatoes

for the third time this week and you didn't complain

told you I never minded when you left me at home to go after the girl of the week

but I confess that the minute the door clicked into place

I shoved what was left of it back inside and vowed to build my walls

high enough that the sword would never pierce them

_-I'm made of lies_

 

**November 1938**

here's a confession

baby I'm a hoarder

I catalog scenes from a life

your toothbrush beside of mine, the clock we bought together

my mothers wedding ring on top of an old sketch book filled to the brim with the curve of your cheekbones

the taste of toothpaste on your lips - mint with a sweetness that you've perfected

fingertips on narrow hipbones

dim lighting casting shadows on dark eyelashes, blending colors like van gogh's paintings

and sometimes I want to press you against a canvas and taste swirls of sunflower yellow and cornflower blue

_-I don't want to forget this_

 

**December 1938**

I prayed for snow last night

and I know you'd disagree but I can't stop thinking about

what snowflakes would feel like if you caught one on your bottom lip

and I sucked it off like a lost man in search of the holy grail

because I'm a sinner, see, and you're the closest thing to holy

that I've ever held in the palm of my hand

I'd fall to my knees

worship the nape of your neck and whisper a thousand hail mary's

against the holy communion of your spine bone in the middle of a blizzard

_-lets stay in tonight and pretend dust bunnies are icicles_

 

**January 1939  
**

her name was susan and her eyes were a sea of forest green - _she's not your type_

names like _honey_ and _darling_ fell like acid rain from pouty lips

and I bit my own because sugar melts and you're the farthest thing from a honeycomb she's ever gonna get

you're bitter dark chocolate with a hint of maple syrup - warm and sticky like the night we named the stars

and you pointed to a dazzling one on the left - said that one reminds you of the color of my skin

and I never knew you were a poet until you embroidered those words on my soul

_-she'll never know you like I do_

 

**March 1939**

when you were sleeping I whispered secrets against the crease of your neck and each collarbone

weaved together promises and stories - confessed in the darkness where you couldn't touch the wetness on my cheeks

that you were the only partner who I could ever see myself with and every damn time I uttered those words

_I'd settle for just one_

I hoped I was transparent because I carved your name into my heart when we were only ten years old 

and you carefully peeled a band-aid over the scrape on my knee and I wish they made them big enough

to cover hearts and souls 'cause I'm never gonna get over you

_-you're my right partner_

 

**April 1939**

when we were twelve and springtime brought pollen and smog you flopped down next to me

with a collection of stones and a worn bottle cap, said I needed to get better because those stones

weren't going to find themselves and you treasured every one of them - dropped a pile on my bedside table

and they might as well have been white gold and sapphire shining in the sun because the light in your eyes

was nearly blinding

and I haven't looked at the sky without picturing baby blues since

_-that's the day I knew I'd love you for the rest of my life_

 

**May 1939**

last night I did something truly terrible and I'm sure the heavens will part at any moment

and strike me down with bolts of lightning because I'm a bad bad man 

I tasted the familiar tang of blood on my tongue when a fist collided with my mouth 

and I'm sorry but I picked this fight myself - threw myself to the wolves 

because her hands were on your chest and ruby red lipstick smeared on your cheek 

and all I could think about was the color of blood - crimson red on my knuckles and a gash on my forehead 

and I welcomed the pain because nothing could knock me breathless as much as you 

told you it wasn't my fault and maybe I'm a liar 

maybe you shouldn't believe a word that I say but you do, you did 

and you came for me just like I knew you would

_-I never said I'd play fair_

 

**July 1939**

first birthday in ages that I spent without you

blew out one measly candle because they're too expensive and dollars aren't leaves in the fall

they're rare and we grip them until our fingers ache

got a kiss on the cheek from my ma and weak arms around my neck

fireworks crackling over the brooklyn bridge in black and white

'cause the world loses its color when you're gone

you came back on a wednesday and everything slid carefully into place once more

we're puzzle pieces that leave a gaping crater without the other

_-I'm not me without you_

 

**August 1939  
**

my shortest poem by far

I don't need you, I don't need you

I do

_-you're my magnet_

 

**September 1939**

you broke me with four words 

_we can't do this_

tell me this - how do we go back?

'cause I'd love to scrub your kisses off of the places no one else has ever touched

I want to forget how your breath hitches when I take you over the edge

and you say _there's no one like you_

I could devote an entire book to the way your hips curve when you lay on your side

how your blue eyes make me want to go swimming and dive in so deep that you're begging for more

or the weight of your body against mine when it's summer but we can't pull ourselves apart 

_-where's the reset button?_

 

**December 1939**

yeah so you found this

my words etched into lined paper - heart on my sleeve when I always tried to convince you

that I was carved from ivory and stone - toss me into the ocean and I'll sink, I promise

'cause I'm human after all and we're messy

sometimes we slip and fall in love and baby I've never fell so hard in my life

I can't apologize for that 'cause _I'm sorry_ doesn't mean a thing if your words are hollow

just do me a favor and try to forget these words 'cause I've been trouble since the day I was born

came kicking and screaming with hands balled up into fists and itching for a fight

and I can do this on my own

_-sorry about those girls and touching you like I ever had a right to_

 

**February 1940  
**

two months, 87658 minutes

that's how long we lasted before we let this love wash us away

and drown us until I'm gasping for breath with your name in between my lips

and your hand in my hair as you say _'you can't get rid of me that easy'_

I let you pull me under until your lungs are my lungs and your heart is tied to mine

an invisible string, unbreakable

'cause if this is wrong then I'll break every rule, I'll burn every book that says

I can't love you with my whole heart and you can't kiss me like it's the last time every time

_-I was born to love you_

 

**May 1940  
**

we sprawl across your bed, head in my lap and bare skin reflecting off of yellow lighting

my porcelain to your bronze and I want to paint us just like this

you think it's funny that I could ever see you as anything more than the brawny kid with missing teeth

and a mean left hand hook

but I look at you and all I glimpse is _love_

I can't see past the speck of blue glistening in the dark when you spin together ancient myths and the tragedy of history

_-I can't see myself without you_

 

**July 1940  
**

old habits die hard and the rhythm of your heart beating against my ear is no longer mine alone

but those girls never last - they drift in and out like butterflies and hummingbirds dipping in long enough to taste

and my heart weighs heavy in my chest because boys are not meant to love other boys

you throw yourself half heartedly at dames with lush breasts and full lips while I fade into the background

wondering why we can't have that but your arms always find mine at night when we're safe and her perfume lingers on your shirt

and I take what I can get

_-will it ever be enough?_

 

**[entries from August 1940-1943 ripped out and thrown away]  
**

 

**November 1943  
**

almost lost you and I felt the earth shake under my feet

they tied you down like an animal and I wanted to cry and drain the life from their bodies at the same time

I hadn't kissed you since we headed to howard stark's convention and it was all I could do not to cry

you left me at the enlistment center with tears in your eyes and a part of me died when you walked away

I'm different now, we both are

but I felt the familiar tug on my heart and it was brooklyn, 1938 all over again and we were talking until two a.m. and making plans for the future

I brushed your cheek with my rough glove and pressed my lips against yours - tasted sweat, salt and _you_

and all at once it felt like coming home only to find that parts of it have been gutted

_is it permanent?_

yes. we can't go back, I owe you a thousand apologies most beginning and ending with

'she's not you and I love her but in a vastly different way - I've loved you my whole life but we're here and you keep pushing me away'

_-the distance in your eyes makes me want to map out every mile until I find you again_

 

**January 1944  
**

I got a girl and you've got me

her picture in my compass and the name _peggy_ carved right next to yours with every beat of my heart

navy blue jacket with wings pinned to the side - _you're mine_

the snowflakes I prayed for are swirling around us and I wish we had more time 'cause I'd push you up against a hard tree

and lick every single one of them off the pink bow of your lips and we'd burn raging hot on the inside

but you keep saying _she's good for you, don't let her go_

and I want to scream until the mountains quake because I'm tearing myself to shreds for you, for her and sprinkling bits like confetti 

with the words  _I love you, I love you, God I love you_ over each brunette head and have you ever noticed how her eyes light up like yours

and she stands with back straight and words razor sharp, _shes you_

_-I'll never leave you_

 

**March 1944  
**

these words are my eulogy 'cause you reached for me and I couldn't get to you

isn't that our life in a nutshell?

chasing one after the other and holding on tight - us against the world

I drank an entire bottle of whiskey last night and waited patiently for the numbness to seep through my body

but all I got instead was searing pain and the echo of your scream repeating in my head

_bucky no!_

fell asleep for two hours and dreamed of you on ratty blankets in our apartment with sleep in your eyes and the ghost of my lips against yours

woke up with an anvil on my chest and a burning in my heart that grew larger than the grand canyon with every passing minute you were gone

and I knew I had to find you in some way but they would pay first, every last one of them

you were right, peggy is good for me and she knew about us. I don't know how but she did and we're doing this together

this one's for you, buck

- _meet you at the end of the line_

 

**March 2014  
**

I'm a ghost, a hollow shell of the man I once was and I've been wandering half alive since they found me

but steely blue eyes that I'd know even in death dragged me back into the fray

here's the thing though -

you can't have life without death and I died again 'cause we lost everything

every precious moment, every long kiss goodnight, every night I held you after hydra broke you apart, every starlit sky and sloppy dance

_gone_

_-empty  
_

 

**April 2014  
**

it's poetic, isn't it?

that you should dive in and dredge my unworthy body from the river when I couldn't even save you in '44

I don't deserve you and maybe I never will

but I promise I've never felt more homesick in my life than I did when your blue eyes filled up with tears

and all I could do was watch and repeat a vow you gave me once when we were kids, madly in love and blinded by it

_I'm with you 'til the end of the line_

hold me to it - etch it in blood on every surface of washington DC until I find it

because I can't go home until I find you

_-come back to me  
_

 

**July 2015  
**

the summer I told you that I didn't know how to kiss a girl and you showed me with your lips, your tongue, the rise and fall of your chest

was the summer I sprang out of the earth like a dandelion and I told you to make a wish 'cause it didn't get any better than this

you hesitated - dragged me to your room and dotted kisses on my neck with the explanation that _this is what girls like_

I memorized the way your breath washed heavy and ragged against my own, the weight of your hands around my waist because _you have to hold them just right_

and I've been starving since then - rushed to your house nearly everyday for a lesson

some days it would be _let me teach you how to dance, put your hand in mine_

others were _I overheard Tommy Jackson talking about how he kissed this dame and I thought we'd try it together_

I've been head over heels, over the moon ever since and here we are against all odds

we've been reborn once more and your heart is still tied to mine

_-I'm ready when you are_

 

**November 2015  
**

you once told me I was wildflowers and baby I can't disagree

we're streaks of orange and yellow growing on the side of the road because we can't be tamed

and I wished on every dandelion and plucked every four leaf clover until you crashed against me

knocked me breathless onto the couch and whispered in my ear _'so how about those snowflakes?'_

I think I chipped a tooth on your shoulder bone 'cause I held onto you too tight, rushed in too fast

but that's how we are isn't it? a breathless dash to the finish line and refusing to go without you

_not without you_

we molded our own snowflakes that night - dreamed them up and brought them to life 

tasted every single one, melting like sugar on your tongue 

and I relearned the sharp edges of your body, traced the lines on the palms of your hands - kissed each one like they were made of gold 

dragged my fingertips across your spine bone and made you shiver -  _some things never change_

and baby, I think we're finally going to be okay 

_-I hope you read this_


End file.
